you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
