Pappa wants mamma naked
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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