Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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