ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
They should really pass out barf bags in church
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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