If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
