You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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