Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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