then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
my shit smells like andre
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
