It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
