the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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