This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
