I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
