So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
