you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
