Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
