shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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