she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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