Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
