She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
