I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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