I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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