Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
