the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
