Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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