now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
