I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
