There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
