so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize