i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize