she woke up with a sticky ear
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
