sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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