i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
