Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
