It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
