i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
