glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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