i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
