I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize