i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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