I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
