I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
