so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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