she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
