Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
