I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
