Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
