A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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