I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
