You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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