Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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