I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
