It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
