I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
