I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
