its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
