I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
