Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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