I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize