Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
