Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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