so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize