gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
